Will the Sun Ever Shine Again?

**WARNING: Whiny post ahead!! Turn back now while you still can!**

Dysautonomia sucks. POTS sucks. Being chronically ill PERIOD sucks. When you're chronically ill, people start to get annoyed with you. They start to think you're lazy and that you brought it on yourself. And after a while, you start to believe them. They tell you not to think about it. "If you'd just stop thinking about it, you'd feel better." What a ridiculous crock. That's like telling a teacher to stop thinking about their students, or a doctor to stop thinking about their patients, or an architect to stop thinking about designing. It's their job! I'm ill, my job is to try to get better (or at least functional) - of course I think about it. It's hard NOT to think about the pain consuming your life. It's difficult NOT to think about the world passing you by. I can't help but think about the person I used to be who is slowly getting replaced by some strange, sick person. And it's damn near impossible not to think about your abilities and talents that are slowly being chipped away at, one-by-one; about your friends who are out living their lives the way nature intended. 

I had my entire life planned since middle school. I knew where I wanted to go to school, how long I'd be there, and that I wanted to become a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. I kept that ruse up until I had to leave college 3 months ago - after only my first semester - because my health had gotten so bad. With a history of passing out, I decided maybe that was an irresponsible career ambition. So now my goal is to become a pediatric cardiologist or pediatric cardiac nurse. There's still time and hope for recovery. But going back to school - especially for medicine - is going to be damn hard in my mid-20s. Nursing? Ok, could still happen. But what about until then? What if I don't recover? It's been at least 5 years, and each year has gotten worse. 

I spent high school in preparation for medical training. I was involved in several clubs and organizations (many health and/or service oriented). I took many Advanced Placement class and as many science classes as I could manage. I practically taught the cardiovascular chapters in both AP Biology and Medical Systems Administration. Heck, I even wrote case studies for those classes based on my heart defect! I earned a 3-year certification in medical terminology and graduated with high honors (and a 4.7 GPA, thank you). I attended James Madison University for one semester, studying Biology/ Pre-Medicine. I took 2 biology courses (among other classes), both with labs and one which was entirely for research. All for nothing. I've wasted too much time, money and energy for it to go down the toilet.

Today, as I was talking to the Physician's Assistant student at my doctor's office, it hit me that I actually HAVE been through A LOT in my short little 18 years. I explained my reasons for coming in (I will discuss this tomorrow) as he just sat there with his jaw hanging open. It hit me again during my pathetic, so-called "workout" this evening. I have no energy, I get tired and out-of -breath, and my heart bumps against my chest like shoes in a dryer. I do everything I am supposed to, and the only thing I have to show for it is 10 pounds of water weight that I gained from drinking liters of water every day and sodium-loading. 

So what if this is my future? I, like many other POTS/ Dysautonomia patients, have the quality of life comparable to someone with congestive heart failure/ chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. All I want is to go back to school and be "normal." Will the sun ever shine again? 

"What if the rain keeps fallin'?

What if the sky stays gray? 

What is the winds keep squallin'?

And never go away?

Maybe soon the storm will be tired of blowin',

Maybe soon it ll will be over, Amen

How do you go on if there's no way of knowin', 

Will the sun ever shine? Wish I could say.

Send me a sign, one little ray.

Lord, if you're listenin, how long until then?

Will the sun ever shine again?" - Bonnie Raitt