Yep. That pretty much sums it all up. Not the fact that I'm tired, because I practically live in a perpetual state of fatigue. What's strange is that most all of my symptoms have been kept at bay recently, save for chest pain ; slow, pounding heart rate; and a marked decrease in energy. Compared to what POTS/ Dysautonomia typically feels like, I seem to be semi-functional again. Except for the fact that I feel like I'm walking around with cotton in between my ears and like I've been binge drinking NyQuil. What's even stranger is that my optimism for my future has returned! I just got a call for an interview at a local Hallmark store, and I work for a photographer on Saturdays. I'm even allowing myself to think that maybe - just MAYBE - I'm starting to outgrow this ass of an illness. It can happen, and for now I'm allowing myself that little tidbit of hope. I also renewed my application to Shepherd University (was accepted last year but declined and attended James Madison University instead), and am remaining optimistic about my future career in medicine. :) Woohoo!
Dysautonomia is strange. You've probably figured that out by now. I'm not sure if it's the sunnier weather, or my illness screwing around with the chemicals in my brain, increase in my ability to sleep at night, or the medications I'm on; but despite the crushing fatigue, shortness of breath after even the simplest of activities, and weird heart rhythms, I actually feel pretty happy most of the time (recently). I cannot describe to you how awful the fatigue that comes along with chronic illness is, but I'm pretty sure I should be grouchier than I feel. It's as if I haven't slept for days, was deprived of my coffee, studied for everyone's final exams, ran a marathon, had parts of my heart and brain excised, and have been playing around with kindergartners. That last one I actually have been doing, and I'm not exactly sure why I insist on doing that to myself. But nevertheless, I've been able to drag my butt out of bed, exercise, be a little productive on most days, and still manage to groove on. It's a miracle!
My inner realist wants to rationalize and prepare myself for the next symptom flare, or patch of bad attitude. I've had a few periods of really great health and stellar attitude, but just when I allow myself some hope, Dysautonomia comes back around to remind me that it's not going anywhere anytime soon. But my inner child just wants to stick its tongue out and say a big "Eff you!" to the realist. I feel like crap, fine. How is that any different from how I normally feel? But I also feel genuinely happy, determined, and strong for once, and I'll be damned if anything is going to take that away from me sooner than necessary. I'll get my reality check when my symptoms come back. But until then, I'm going to smile like I just came from a Botox appointment! I will outgrow POTS. I will get my medical/ nursing degree. I will be OKAY. I mean really - there are people much worse off than myself who are making it in this world, so why shouldn't I? I will do this at my own pace. Screw societal norms. It's a strange illness, but being slightly off-kilter myself, I would have to say that POTS has met it's match - for now, anyway.
And because Disney is always the answer, here's an appropriate track from "Toy Story":
Cheers,
Sydney ;)
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